But that's not all. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? Shave my head.Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu, Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night. This was because he wanted to make sure that their knee-caps were alright! Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. 3. 71. My ex had one very annoying habit. My wifes having a heart attack and youre running around naked scaring the kids!, Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. All rights reserved. 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Tim Vine. I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. The apprentice did just as he was told. I just couldnt do it anymore. Friend making bad life choices? I have to walk back alone.Submitted by Harry Klein, A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctors office. Snake 2: I dont know. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. The landlady answers. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. It read, Mr. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} 79. What are you drinking? he asks the guy. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm. Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now. Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners A gnome, comes the reply. Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. ._3-SW6hQX6gXK9G4FM74obr{display:inline-block;vertical-align:text-bottom;width:16px;height:16px;font-size:16px;line-height:16px} Its shift work. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears. ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? What does the word contemplate mean? the college student asked his English professor. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes Honey, whats for supper?. Hes only got little legs. No pun in 10 did. Between you and me, something smells. You couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, He couldn't get his hole in a barrel of fannies._3K2ydhts9_ES4s9UpcXqBi{display:block;padding:0 16px;width:100%} Now, if youre not someone who raises their eyebrow easily, dont do it. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. Hes now a seasoned veteran. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. More jokes: 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh . Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! I kill their plants and I love mischief. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? One in 1. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. Could you give a poor man something to eat? asks the hobo. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. You keep out of this! she yells. A man is on trial for armed robbery. I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because Im still looking for ideas., 8. 10 Likes, 0 Comments - (@zdragonqueen) on Instagram: "' . ._12xlue8dQ1odPw1J81FIGQ{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle} New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. Thats my twin sister. Why are you doing that? asked the keeper. A gorgeous blonde. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. [Read: 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback], 1. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time. What are you doing? the baffled psychiatrist asked. Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. '", "My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo. He fought with me again! Ill tell you whatnever again. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. [Read:55 funny quotes about love and all its complications], 6. He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. Crocker, you are just fine!. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners Now, sure. Submitted by Wendy Davis, My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brothers surprise party. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. Here are a few pieces of advice to help you hit the right note when firing off your favorite quote. They got six months each. Alex Del Bene. You were looking for a piece of plastic. @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? Theres a smartass quote for that. Pressed for time? He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. Theres just one condition. The businessman asks for a Coke. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. I couldn't believe the . Good Comebacks 1. They get really upset. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. Dont go through life unprepared! You cheap bum! she yells. Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Eight dollars, I answered. When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this.". His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. Oops.Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? Luckily I was the one facing the telly. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. Last New Years Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadnt come, so I figured Id likely missed it. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Don't be the person to initiate that. Toughest job I ever had? I steal food from humans. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. How does NASA organise a party? My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, Brown bears are usually harmless. Dont miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. Cant you take a joke? No, he responded. Thesecheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love). The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding. But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. The steaks are too high. Submitted by Tommy Cooper, As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. @keyframes _1tIZttmhLdrIGrB-6VvZcT{0%{opacity:0}to{opacity:1}}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd,.HQ2VJViRjokXpRbJzPvvc{--infoTextTooltip-overflow-left:0px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;padding:3px 9px;position:absolute;border-radius:4px;margin-top:-6px;background:#000;color:#fff;animation:_1tIZttmhLdrIGrB-6VvZcT .5s step-end;z-index:100;white-space:pre-wrap}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd:after,.HQ2VJViRjokXpRbJzPvvc:after{content:"";position:absolute;top:100%;left:calc(50% - 4px - var(--infoTextTooltip-overflow-left));width:0;height:0;border-top:3px solid #000;border-left:4px solid transparent;border-right:4px solid transparent}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd{margin-top:6px}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd:after{border-bottom:3px solid #000;border-top:none;bottom:100%;top:auto} The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. You call me a bitch. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. A: Lavion rose. He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, "I can't let you in here with that dog." He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "Ok then, come on in." The second guy sees this and does the same thing. Then they call me ugly and poor.". Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. Finally, he hollers, Hey! 'I knew it! You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. Now what do you want? the woman asks. Pack your stuff, they're waiting. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. As I told the salesperson, I dont need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.. I've seen monkey shit-fights at the zoo more organized than this. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. (Consider yourself warned! It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. Oh look, just put me down for five.Submitted by Kerrie Pont, The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness: What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen? He did what any honest man would do, said the witness. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. The basic recipe for relational health is this: Do more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff. And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Smart and Funny Examples of the Nerd Meme, 25 Parents Who Expertly Trolled Their Kids, You Won't Believe These Hilarious Tinder Pickup Lines Actually Worked, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, 18 Super Funny and Creative Business Cards, Best Anti-Gun Jokes and One-Liners About Gun Control. Dont miss these wild tales of the worlds dumbest criminals. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. You're the reason God created the middle finger. From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Submitted by Andre Batista. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. No problem, the sales clerk answered. Hes in the village over the other direction.. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before Later they get together. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. 1. What do you call a fake noodle? He said, I want you to trace someone for me. 70. ._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa{margin-top:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._3EpRuHW1VpLFcj-lugsvP_{color:inherit}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa svg._31U86fGhtxsxdGmOUf3KOM{color:inherit;fill:inherit;padding-right:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._2mk9m3mkUAeEGtGQLNCVsJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;color:inherit} No, she said. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. What did the left eye say to the right eye? The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. I would love to insult you, but I wouldnt do as well as nature did, 50. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. Jennifer Wright, author, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Learn them and youll never have that I wish Id said that moment again! He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. .s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);padding-top:5px}.s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f._19JhaP1slDQqu2XgT3vVS0{color:#ea0027} A cornfield. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. . ' @woodyluvscoffee. 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) How to be witty and win anyone over, Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind, Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in, How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? You may not be able to get your kid to eat their greens, but you can at least get a laugh out of them at the dinner table with this comprehensive list of the funniest food jokes for kids. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!, Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. What are you complaining about? he fires back. Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. I can only please one person a day. Not yet.. I never even listen when you tell me them. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. You should be seeing a psychiatrist, The guys replies, I am seeing a psychiatrist., The dentist says, Well then what are you doing here?. Dont go down that road. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? He must pay for his mistake. I cant, says the poodle. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? Driver: "Isn't it your job to tell me?". Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. The person on the other side of the intercom replied, Pardon me? so I repeated myself. I was looking for $150.Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. 'Submitted by John Langley. Aye matey.. Well, said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, shes there.Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, All my husband and I do any more is fight. Nature is beautiful and so am I. A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. Uncle Ben has died. Awesome! he shouts. and Photobombed. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? How far do you think I can kick this bucket. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. BBLTHRW. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. I said to her, Everything is so so white Grandma doesnt even know where the road is. She innocently replied, Grandma, its under the snow. Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: Dental office parking only. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. This is my step ladder. ' Tim Vine. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. You never know when you might kneed these jokes. I told them: I understand. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. If anything, it made him more sluggish. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! What are they used for? the captain asks. ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. In the piano! Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.". We have the best football jokes kids would love. Today isnt your day. They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Oh yesthe news. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Need the laughs to come fast? I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. 134 Likes, 22 Comments - Aidan (@diazaidanw) on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco outfits . I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds?